Susie and Otto
Love and Relationships Tips Article
Stop Putting Your Needs Last in Your Love Relationship or
By Susie and Otto Collins
Does it ever seem like you have to choose between making yourself
happy and making your partner happy in your relationship?
It might appear to you as if either you or your mate can have your
needs met-- but not both of you at the same time. You might reason
to yourself that this is just "compromise" or that this is what
relationships are all about.
We simply don't agree. In the majority of situations, there is a way
for both you and your mate to feel satisfied about a resolution to a
particular conflict or disagreement.
It is absolutely possible for you AND your partner to feel like your
needs are being met-- even if they are different needs.
You may have developed a habit of putting what you want on the back
burner in life. This tendency might come from your desire to please
your mate or to not upset the "fragile balance" between the two of
you. It might also relate back to lessons about relationships or
gender that you learned growing up.
The trouble with consistently and frequently putting your needs last
is that you can end up feeling like a martyr in your relationship.
You put yourself in the position of essentially sacrificing yourself
for the sake of your partner.
This almost always results in you feeling resentful-- even if you
try to keep those feelings hidden. In addition to the resentment,
you will also probably experience unhappiness and upset because you
aren't giving yourself what you need.
You might believe that putting your own needs last is a favor or
gift you are giving to your partner, but it's not! When you are
depriving yourself by squashing down your own desires, you simply
can't be as present and open to your mate as you might otherwise be
able to be.
Your love will not be able to flow the way you might want it to in
You partner will probably also feel confused and unsure of you.
After all, you aren't acting and speaking with integrity when you
regularly shove aside your own opinions and desires in favor of his
This can create an environment of mistrust in which both of you are
closed down and distant with one another.
Putting your own needs last is simply not conducive to you having
the connected, close relationship you might have been trying to
create in the first place.
Stay in touch and aware of what you want.
Get in the habit of tuning in to yourself and to what you want-- not
just when it comes to "big" decisions, but in each and every moment.
When you awake in the morning, practice listening to what your inner
self is needing. It could be that your body is craving some alone
time involving a good book and a warm bath. Or it may be that you
really need close, loving touches and physical sharing with your
Take the time to ask yourself how you feel about a particular
situation as you are talking with your partner. Allow yourself a few
moments (or however long you need) to process what he or she is
saying and feel into yourself to become clear about what you would
like to have happen next.
You can let your partner know that the pauses you are taking before
responding in a conversation mean that you are tuning in to yourself
so that what you share is from your heart and well-considered.
Have the courage and patience to stay open.
Just because you make a change and stop putting your own needs last,
it doesn't mean you will begin to offer your partner ultimatums or
that you will always "get your way."
Once you are clear about what you need, you can cultivate the
courage to communicate that need to your mate. And then you can stay
open and be patient.
Listen closely to what your partner's needs are and don't reject
them just because they seem, at first glance, to be diametrically
opposed to what you want. Stick with this open and loving energy.
Look for solutions that you both can feel content with. The decision
or outcome that you two make together might not be what you
initially expected-- it could be even better.
If your intention is to stay connected AND have your needs met, it
is more likely that those win-win solutions will become apparent.
Follow through with these need-satisfying plans and celebrate how
much closer you and your partner have become in the process.
Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are
Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books
on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No
More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" "Communication Magic"
and "Attracting Your Perfect Partner." In addition to having a great
relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on
love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles
like this or to sign up for their free online relationship tips
newsletter visit http://www.collinspartners.com
Susie and Otto Collins
P.O. Box 14544
Columbus, Ohio 43214
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