Do you ever look
at your partner and wonder, "How did my love ever pick me?"
Perhaps you see your mate as very attractive-- the former
high school prom king or queen who could easily be a model.
At least in your
eyes, that's how it seems. You, on the other hand, may feel
more like the ugly duckling. You might have had a hard time
finding dates and have struggled with your hair, your nose,
your weight, etc. for what seems like forever.
While you could
feel good about the relationship you have with your partner,
your perception of yourself as the ugly one and your mate as
oh so gorgeous, leaves you feeling jealous. And this
jealousy can drive a serious wedge between the two of you.
assessment of your fabulous looking or charismatic partner--
as compared to you-- is probably a sense of unworthiness and
fear. Deep down you may believe that you are undeserving of
having a person like this in your life, or even a love as
great as the one you share.
You may also
experience fear that one day your mate will either be
"lured" away from you by another attractive person, or that
he or she will not want you, the ugly duckling, anymore.
All these beliefs
are going to do is feed your jealousy, make you feel worse,
and take you and your love further apart.
Marc and Chelsea
have been married for almost 3 years now. Marc still cannot
believe his 'luck' to have ended up with a partner like
Chelsea. She has it all together and looks fabulous too--
even when she wakes up in the morning.
When they started
dating, Chelsea seemed way out of his league. In fact, it
has been Chelsea who has always taken the lead in their
relationship. Marc's adoration of her and self-deprecation
was sort of flattering to Chelsea at first. But now it's
becoming irritating and getting in the way of their
Marc is often
suspicious of Chelsea's male co-workers and regularly stares
down other men who even glance her way when they're out
Trust your love
and his or her judgment.
If you tend to see
yourself as the ugly duckling to your mate's gorgeous
could-be-a-model, it's time to stop! This way of looking at
yourself and your love is not going to benefit either of you
or your relationship.
It puts pressure
on him or her to be perfect all of the time and for you to
be less than. Instead, you might decide to trust your
love's judgment. You must have some pleasing qualities to
have attracted this person to you, after all.
example, has always loved Marc's distinct nose which he
thinks is horrible. It's cute in her eyes. And, of course,
she loves him for who he is and not what he looks like.
Chelsea actually harbors a fear that Marc only stays with
her because of her looks.
They both know how
wonderful it is when they connect as they make love together
or just take a walk in the park talking. But Marc's
jealousy and apparent emphasis on looks dampens that
When it comes down
to it, your partner could see you as drop dead gorgeous and
that wouldn't matter unless you also love and value
yourself. And we don't just mean that you think you're
pretty or handsome.
You have to feel
worthy and valuable as you are, for who you are in order to
bask in the love that is being offered to you by others--
especially your mate.
This may feel
weird or uncomfortable, but try it anyway. Every single day,
think about one thing that's really great about you. It
might relate to your appearance and it might relate to
Look in a mirror
and appreciate the deep color of your eyes even if you've
previously thought them too brown, for example. Marc finds
this practice difficult at first and even feels a little
self-centered and delusional doing it. But he continues
He notices the way
he treats other people with respect and is generous with his
time volunteering at the senior center. As he gets better
and better at this self-appreciation thing, he begins to
look more often in the mirror and not recoil at his own
In fact, he starts
to actually like his appearance. The more he can love and
accept himself, the less he compares his looks with
Chelsea's. This, in turn, eases the fear of losing her that
feeds his jealousy.
When you begin to
feel deserving of love and your fabulous partner, you will
undoubtedly notice improvements in other areas of your life.
That ugly duckling
label you attached to yourself long ago could easily fall
away as does your jealousy habit. In its place can grow the
ever-expanding connection between you and your love.