How to Communicate
with Your Mate About the Tough Stuff: Sex
By Susie and Otto Collins
For as much as sex is talked about in movies, on television, in ads and
other areas of society, for many couples, it can be a taboo topic.
Yes, you might make love and be sexually intimate with one another--
regularly or irregularly. But, do you and your mate freely and honestly
talk about sex?
Have you ever communicated with your partner about what you like, what
you don't like, what you've been wanting to try, what you're unwilling
to try, what you'd like more of and what you'd like less of?
If your answer is "no," you aren't alone.
As up close and personal as sharing yourself sexually with your partner
is, many people don't really like to talk about it.
Sometimes this links in with a sense of embarrassment about the topic
overall. Other times, the person is hesitant to be honest because he or
she is worried about offending, hurting feelings or maybe even shocking
his or her mate.
The trouble with not talking about sex with your partner is that a whole
lot of dissatisfaction and resentment can result.
This can certainly spill over into other areas of your relationship and
lead to some serious disconnection.
Take the leap- be honest and open.
We know, it's not the easiest thing to ask your partner to sit down with
you and talk about sex.
Do it anyway!
You can make it clear at the very beginning of your conversation that
your intention is to increase the enjoyment of your lovemaking for both
of you. This isn't about making one of you (or either of you) to blame
for why you are not satisfied with your sexual relations.
Instead, this about finding ways to make sure both you and your mate are
intimately connecting in the ways that you want to.
As you talk, speak from your experience.
You don't know with 100% accuracy what your partner truly wants or is
feeling about the way that you tend to make love together...so don't
pretend that you do.
If you'd like to make love more frequently or more adventurously, for
example, share that desire with your mate. Be specific about what that
request means to you.
As your partner opens up about what he or she would like to improve
about your lovemaking, just listen. Ask questions if you are unclear
about something that is said.
Even if your mate's request is not something you would normally do, take
some time to consider it anyway.
We do not recommend that you agree to anything that you aren't willing
to actually do-- don't force yourself, because this won't help you two
move closer together.
On the other hand, don't automatically say "no," to an idea.
If you are hesitant, perhaps there is a variation of the idea that would
be interesting and even exciting to you. Suggest what that would be.
Words you might say in such a situation are these: "I feel a little
uncomfortable when I think about doing _______ with you, but I am
willing to spice things up in the bedroom more. What if, instead, we
Create an environment for what you want.
We're not necessarily just talking about flowers, candles and romantic
You can make amazing improvements to your lovemaking by offering your
attention to other areas of your relationship too.
Believe it or not, by identifying the troublesome habits in your
relationship and beginning to make changes, you can open up to the kind
of intimacy and passion that you may not have believed possible.
If you and your partner tend to get busy with other aspects of your
lives and don't prioritize connecting, this can have a negative effect
on your lovemaking. If you two allow irritations to grow and fester
instead of dealing with them, of course, it can dampen your spark.
If you are dissatisfied with the sex in your relationship, broaden your
view and look for other areas in which you may have become disconnected
from one another.
You'll probably find that as you make changes and start to experience
improvements in these other areas of your relationship, your sex life
together will also begin to improve and passion will increase.
For the Men... If you'd like more suggestions for how to talk
about sex with your partner and improve your relationship overall, click
here for Otto Collins' new report:
"10 Keys to Lighting Up Your Woman."