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Relationship Advice Home

Susie and Otto's Love and Relationships Article

 

Intimacy and Lovemaking Tips: "What if my partner wants to
make love and I'm just not in the mood?"

By Susie and Otto Collins

Picture this scene: You and your mate are alone and it's clear to you that he or she wants to make love. Your partner's kisses are deep and passionate and he or she touches you sensually.

The trouble is, you're just not in the mood!

How can you maintain a sense of closeness and intimacy and be true to what you want at this moment?

Too many times, when one person wants to make love and the other has different plans, disconnection can result. The person who is not in the mood for lovemaking might go ahead anyway-- just to avoid "hurting" the other's feelings.

Another possibility is that the one who does not want to make love right now is honest, but then feels guilty or like a "bad" partner.

Or, the one who is trying to initiate lovemaking does take his or her partner's decline personally and feels rejected.

All of these scenarios contribute to a breakdown in intimacy, communication and connection.

There is a lot of potential confusion when one person proposes lovemaking and the other declines the offer. 

There can also be confusion and disconnection when one person proposes lovemaking and the other agrees-- but isn't really being honest about wanting intimacy at that moment.

Our ultimate advice in situations like this is to be honest-- with yourself and with your mate.

We know it is not always this simple or easy. There are many reasons why a person might not be in the mood for intimacy at any particular moment.

Here are just a few.....

--One person may be dealing with internal upset or distractions that may or may not be linked to the other person.

--There might be unresolved hurt or angry feelings between the couple and one wants to use lovemaking as a way to bridge the gap.

--There might be unresolved hurt or angry feelings between the couple that the other person is not aware of.

--The sex drives of each person may not be the same; one prefers to make love more frequently than the other.
 
-- A low sense of self-esteem or insecurities about one's body might stand in the way of a person's willingness to make love frequently or at all.

--Old emotional wounds such a sexual abuse could crop up and trouble the whole concept of sexuality for a person.

Depending on what you believe about yourself or your partner, you might jump to any of these conclusions, or others, when faced with a situation where one of you wants to make love and the other is not in the mood.

Be honest.
As we said before, our ultimate advice is to be honest. If your mate wants to make love and you feel conflicted about it, ask take a few minutes to check in with yourself.

Believe it or not, in almost every case, your partner will be able to tell when you push yourself to go ahead and make love while a part of you is resistant to doing so.

As you tune in to how you are feeling, ask yourself what is contributing to your hesitation or resistance to intimacy at this moment.

Keep your attentions on what you are feeling about your situation right now. Don't attempt to understand your whole relationship history.

If you find that you are not in the mood because of hurt or angry feelings that are linked to your partner, set up a time when you two can resolve whatever is going on.

This might not be what your mate had in mind for the evening, but when there is greater closeness and ease between you two, he or she will most likely be appreciative that you took the time to work out this challenge.

If you realize old wounds from your past are getting in the way of you being intimate with your love at this time, ask yourself if you can return to this moment and set aside the past for now.

This might be a possibility for you. For example, you might be able to bring yourself back to the present and your partner and then you'll discover a willingness to make love.

The more open and honest you can be with yourself and your mate, the greater that chance that you two can move closer together.

This might require your partner (and you, yourself) to be patient and take your time together. But isn't it worth it?

Make intimacy a priority.
If you find that you just aren't in the mood a lot of the time, take a closer look at your priorities. Is being more intimate more of the time important to you?

If it is, make the time and reserve the energy for activities you and your mate can share that you will enhance your intimate connecting.

Some people enjoy sharing sensual touch or massage as a way to increase intimate feelings and help put them in the mood for lovemaking.

Others like to create a physical environment for sensuality. Transform your bedroom into a place for passion with candles, soft lighting and romantic music.

So release any guilty feelings or dishonesty when your mate wants to make love and you are just not in the mood.

As you stay tuned in to your feelings and needs and are honest with yourself and you partner, you might find that on those occasions that you choose to decline an intimate invitation you can actually move closer together.

You might also find that when you give yourself permission to say to no to intimacy when you're not in the mood, your freedom and willingness to say yes at other times increases.

 

Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" "Communication Magic" and "Attracting Your Perfect Partner." In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles like this or to sign up for their free online relationship tips newsletter visit http://www.collinspartners.com or http://www.RelationshipGold.com

 

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