Intimacy and Lovemaking
Tips: "What if my partner wants to
make love and I'm just not in the mood?"
By Susie and Otto Collins
Picture this scene: You and your mate are alone and it's clear to you that
he or she wants to make love. Your partner's kisses are deep and passionate
and he or she touches you sensually.
The trouble is, you're just not in the mood!
How can you maintain a sense of closeness and intimacy and be true to what
you want at this moment?
Too many times, when one person wants to make love and the other has
different plans, disconnection can result. The person who is not in the mood
for lovemaking might go ahead anyway-- just to avoid "hurting" the other's
Another possibility is that the one who does not want to make love right now
is honest, but then feels guilty or like a "bad" partner.
Or, the one who is trying to initiate lovemaking does take his or her
partner's decline personally and feels rejected.
All of these scenarios contribute to a breakdown in intimacy, communication
There is a lot of potential confusion when one person proposes lovemaking
and the other declines the offer.
There can also be confusion and disconnection when one person proposes
lovemaking and the other agrees-- but isn't really being honest about
wanting intimacy at that moment.
Our ultimate advice in situations like this is to be honest-- with yourself
and with your mate.
We know it is not always this simple or easy. There are many reasons why a
person might not be in the mood for intimacy at any particular moment.
Here are just a few.....
--One person may be dealing with internal upset or distractions that may or
may not be linked to the other person.
--There might be unresolved hurt or angry feelings between the couple and
one wants to use lovemaking as a way to bridge the gap.
--There might be unresolved hurt or angry feelings between the couple that
the other person is not aware of.
--The sex drives of each person may not be the same; one prefers to make
love more frequently than the other.
-- A low sense of self-esteem or insecurities about one's body might stand
in the way of a person's willingness to make love frequently or at all.
--Old emotional wounds such a sexual abuse could crop up and trouble the
whole concept of sexuality for a person.
Depending on what you believe about yourself or your partner, you might jump
to any of these conclusions, or others, when faced with a situation where
one of you wants to make love and the other is not in the mood.
As we said before, our ultimate advice is to be honest. If your mate wants
to make love and you feel conflicted about it, ask take a few minutes to
check in with yourself.
Believe it or not, in almost every case, your partner will be able to tell
when you push yourself to go ahead and make love while a part of you is
resistant to doing so.
As you tune in to how you are feeling, ask yourself what is contributing to
your hesitation or resistance to intimacy at this moment.
Keep your attentions on what you are feeling about your situation right now.
Don't attempt to understand your whole relationship history.
If you find that you are not in the mood because of hurt or angry feelings
that are linked to your partner, set up a time when you two can resolve
whatever is going on.
This might not be what your mate had in mind for the evening, but when there
is greater closeness and ease between you two, he or she will most likely be
appreciative that you took the time to work out this challenge.
If you realize old wounds from your past are getting in the way of you being
intimate with your love at this time, ask yourself if you can return to this
moment and set aside the past for now.
This might be a possibility for you. For example, you might be able to bring
yourself back to the present and your partner and then you'll discover a
willingness to make love.
The more open and honest you can be with yourself and your mate, the greater
that chance that you two can move closer together.
This might require your partner (and you, yourself) to be patient and take
your time together. But isn't it worth it?
Make intimacy a priority.
If you find that you just aren't in the mood a lot of the time, take a
closer look at your priorities. Is being more intimate more of the time
important to you?
If it is, make the time and reserve the energy for activities you and your
mate can share that you will enhance your intimate connecting.
Some people enjoy sharing sensual touch or massage as a way to increase
intimate feelings and help put them in the mood for lovemaking.
Others like to create a physical environment for sensuality. Transform your
bedroom into a place for passion with candles, soft lighting and romantic
So release any guilty feelings or dishonesty when your mate wants to make
love and you are just not in the mood.
As you stay tuned in to your feelings and needs and are honest with yourself
and you partner, you might find that on those occasions that you choose to
decline an intimate invitation you can actually move closer together.
You might also find that when you give yourself permission to say to no to
intimacy when you're not in the mood, your freedom and willingness to say
yes at other times increases.
Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are
Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on
relationships, including "Should You Stay
or Should You Go?" "No More
Relationship Trust" "Communication
Magic" and "Attracting Your
Perfect Partner." In addition to having a great relationship, they
regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and
personal growth. To read more free articles like this or to sign up for
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