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"Is it Lying or Loving?"

by Susie and Otto Collins

At our workshop this week, the women in the group all agreed that they grew up with the expectation that they would be "nice" and make everyone in the family feel good.  They were not taught to speak their truth but rather hide what they were thinking in order to keep the peace.

Most people believe they are being loving when they withhold perceived unpleasant information from their partner, spouse or friends.

So the questions is--do you tell that other person how you feel in all situations?  If you don't, is that being loving or is that lying to the other person?

Bell Hooks, in her book "All About Love," would say that it's lying.  She says, "Lying has become so much the accepted norm that people lie even when it would be simpler to tell the truth."  She goes on to say that "In today's world we are taught to fear the truth, to believe it always hurts."

We have found that when you tell the truth, it may hurt. But when you are completely open and honest, it is ultimately freeing for both people, giving you the opportunity to deepen your connection.

Some of you may question this--but we feel that if you are in a spiritual partnership with the intention of growing together, there simply is no other way.  Bell Hooks says that "it is impossible to nurture one's own or another's spiritual growth when the core of one's being and identity is shrouded in secrecy and lies."

The lies don't even have to be that big to drive a wedge in a relationship.  Just not being forthcoming with your feelings is living with a lie and will ultimately create a separation.

In one of our recent weekly love and relationship Gold newsletters when we quoted David Viscott-- "If we were to live honestly, our lives would heal themselves."  Hard as this seems, we believe it's the only way to live.  We've done it the other way and now we're trying to do it differently.  Our experience tells us that when you communicate constantly openly and honesty, that's what builds safety and trust.  That's what creates the real juice in any great relationship!  

Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books on relationships, including "Should You Stay or Should You Go?" "No More Jealousy" "Creating Relationship Trust" "Communication Magic" and "Attracting Your Perfect Partner." In addition to having a great relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles like this or to sign up for their free online relationship tips newsletter visit or

Susie and Otto Collins
P.O. Box 14544
Columbus, Ohio 43214
(614) 459-8121

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