Tips for Re-Connecting After Jealousy Gets in the Way
By Susie and Otto Collins
Have you ever said or done something in the heat of jealousy and then
uttered these words...
"I can't believe I
just did that!"
If so, you are not
The fear, worry and
anger of jealousy can become so inflamed that it appears to take over
your better senses. You might end up feeling mostly regret for what you
Even if you don't feel
regret about your jealousy-motivated actions or words (because sometimes
they seem perfectly justified), it may become clear to you that it is
getting in the way.
Jealousy is getting in the way of you and your partner having the kind
of connection that you'd like.
Jealousy is getting in the way of the kind of communication you want to
have with your mate.
Jealousy is getting in the way of the confident and assured manner that
you'd like for yourself.
When you become adept
at recognizing your jealous feelings when they first appear, you can
start to apply techniques that can help you find ease and resolution
easier and sooner...before you say the words or take the actions that
lead to further distance in your relationship.
But that kind of early
identification doesn't always happen. You need to know what steps you
could take to re-connect with your partner after jealousy has appeared
to have taken hold of you.
You need to know what
to do when you are looking back at what just happened and you say to
"I can't believe I just did that!"
Here are three simple, yet very powerful, tips for re-connecting in just
such a situation:
#1) Take responsibility.
Let's face it. It's not usually comfortable (or easy) to own up to what
We humans seem to have a propensity for pointing the finger of blame at
anyone-- or anything-- other than us when something regrettable has
aren't asking you to take the full brunt of the blame for the hurtful
words that were said or the disconnecting actions that were taken. In
fact, we don't want to focus on blame at all.
Instead, we encourage you to take responsibility for your share of the
dynamics that are moving you and your partner further apart. Take no
more and no less responsibility than your share.
Acknowledge that you are struggling with jealousy and that you allowed
your jealous emotions to take over. Admit to what you've done or said
with honesty and openness.
#2) Make amends.
Don't underestimate the power of a genuine and heartfelt apology. It
does need to truly come from the heart, however.
Your partner can most likely feel it if you really are sorry about what
When you apologize, don't apologize for anything but what you are
responsible for. It is helpful if you see your apology as an end unto
itself, rather than a way to force your mate to own up to what you think
he or she should be sorry for.
it feels appropriate, you can ask your partner how you might make amends
for what you've done. Really listen to what he or she is requesting.
Are you willing to make amends in this way? If not, is there another
action that is similar to this that you might propose?
When you do agree to make amends in a particular way, be sure to follow
Every time that you follow through-- whether it's making amends or on
other agreements-- you bolster trust and promote connection.
#3) Learn from what happened.
This is essential. Remember the saying,
"Those who forget the lessons of history are doomed to repeat
Take a thorough and
honest look at your jealousy habit and the past (and present)
experiences and dynamics that fuel it.
If you have low self
esteem, it is probable the your jealousy is being fed by those beliefs.
If you still carry around pain from being cheated on in the past, this
is probably playing a part in your jealousy today.
Begin to make
completions with your past and also to change any limiting beliefs so
that you can stop your jealousy habit. It might take time and a lot of
persistence-- but it's worth it.
While these 3 tips may seem simplistic, they are potentially
relationship-altering. In many cases, people know what is required in
difficult situations such as those involving jealousy, but they don't
take the common sense steps called for.
Take courage and remember to breathe deeply along the way. Remind
yourself that taking these steps can lead you closer to the
re-connection and kind of relationship that you desire.
Susie and Otto Collins are married, life partners who are
Relationship and Life Success Coaches, and authors of several books
on relationships, including their newest e-book
Words. Other popular books by Susie and Otto are:
Should You Stay or Should You Go?,
More Jealousy, Creating Relationship Trust,
Communication Magic and
Attracting Your Perfect Partner.
In addition to having a great
relationship, they regularly write, speak and conduct seminars on
love, relationships and personal growth. To read more free articles
like this or to sign up for their free online relationship tips
newsletter visit http://www.collinspartners.com