Creating More Intimacy by
Dissolving Relationship Walls
By Susie and
you're married or in a love relationship, at one time or another,
you've probably experienced disconnection-- as if a wall had sprung
up between the two of you. The relationship wall could've resulted
from a major disagreement, an argument that was never resolved, or
perhaps it's been slowly building over time.
specific cause, a relationship wall between you and your partner
means that you are not living the close, passionate intimate
relationship you want.
You may be
hoping, wishing, that that wall would just disappear! In the Harry
Potter books and movie series, Harry and his schoolmates travel to
Hogwarts School by way of a magical train which picks them up from a
special train platform. Before his first year at Hogwarts, Harry is
told to meet the train at Platform 9 3/4. He is confused to find
nothing but a solid-looking brick pillar between platforms 9 and 10.
Finally, a family shows him how to literally walk into and through
the pillar (at a nice run even) to get to where he wants to go.
that the Harry Potter world is one of fantasy that is different in
many ways from the one we live in. But, we can learn valuable
lessons about dissolving relationship walls from Harry's experiences
reaching Platform 9 3/4.
Let us show
It was a
befuddling mystery to Harry when he first approached Platforms 9 and
10. Even when he was told that 9 3/4 was through the pillar, he had a
hard time seeing beyond that seemingly solid brick.
can be applied in two ways. The first is all about staying tuned
in. Both people in a love relationship need to become and stay
aware of what's going on within themselves, with each other, and
with their relationship. If you sense unease coming up, set aside
some time to discover what's going on. Addressing disconnection as
soon as you notice it can help prevent relationship walls from
sense a wall building in your relationship, you can use awareness to
begin to dissolve or dismantle it. Harry didn't know how-- or even
that he could-- just pass through the wall between Platforms 9 and 10
until he was shown how. Similarly, staying awake in your
relationship and noticing when a wall is forming (or one that has
already formed) is a first step.
Make it your
intention to let go of the stories you tell yourself about whatever
the situation is. Set aside judgments about who is "right" and
share with your partner your feelings. Then listen with an open
heart to what he or she has to say.
time Harry ran at the pillar, he undoubtedly felt fear and concern
about what would happen next. Not only would it be embarrassing to
have run at and crashed into a brick pillar, it would probably hurt
quite a bit as well! He was successful in passing through the pillar
when his trust that he would move safely through it was stronger
than his fear of crashing into it.
a wall in your relationship, it can be difficult to remember the
love, connection and good feelings that you may have experienced
more easily in the past. We've all been in the middle of an
argument and it seems that the intense feelings are all we can see.
However, once the argument has past, we can hardly believe it was
such a big deal.
that closeness and intimacy will happen for you is vital. Think of
a past connected time with your love and focus in on the good
feelings you associate with that memory. We're not asking you to
live in the past. Instead, we want you to remind yourself how
wonderful connection feels and know it is possible to feel that way
of intimacy and connection do not come to you easily, no worries.
Treat yourself by making time to create in your mind (and heart) a
clear idea of what you want your love relationship to feel like. You
may choose to share this vision with your partner. If so, share
from a place of love without blame or judgment. After sharing, ask
your partner what his or her dream vision of your relationship looks
like. Listen with your heart open.
world is quite different from the fantastical situations portrayed
in the Harry Potter series, it serves as a colorful example. As you
focus your awareness and strengthen trust to dissolve walls between
you and your partner, you might just open up to a more magical,
Susie and Otto Collins are
Relationship Coaches and authors who help people create lives that
are filled with more passion, love and connection. To find out more
about creating more trust in your relationship, visit
For more tips on creating
deeper intimacy and connection in your relationship, visit