Create Agreements that Will Make
Life with Your Woman Easier...and
By Susie and Otto Collins
Stephen is trying to be patient with his wife, but it's been tough
lately. It seems like sarcasm, snide comments and full-blown
arguments are happening more and more frequently.
The tension that's coming between Stephen and his wife revolves
around money issues. A couple of years ago, Stephen started his own
business. He is really enjoying the challenge and has had some
successes along the way, but the business is still not solid and
Stephen is convinced that, given a little more time, his business
will be highly lucrative for him and his family too. His wife is not
She is stressed out most of the time and pours over the
numbers for the household and his business everyday. She wants him
to look for what she calls a "real job."
They can't seem to find any semblance of agreement on this and the
tension has spilled over into the bedroom too. Stephen can't
remember the last time that he and his wife made love with one
another-- or laughed together either.
In any love relationship or marriage, there can come a time when you
and your partner face an issue that you simply don't see eye-to-eye
about. You might each work very hard to convince the other how much
sense your position is, but this only seems to solidify the
For you and your woman, the issue that seems to be driving a wedge
between you might be money. Or, it could be something else like
flirting, jealousy, lying, intimacy, sex or decisions involving your
In many cases, it really matters less what the actual issue is than
the way that this disagreement seems to be intensifying and tearing
you two apart.
One way to bring some ease to a difficult and contentious situation
is to create agreements about it.
The agreement that you reach and follow can lessen the tension and
help you both know what you each expect in regard to this tricky
topic. The process of creating the agreement can be a way that you
two start to move closer together again as you both share and listen
and try to understand one another's positions.
As you probably already know, frequent arguing, bickering and stress
can be a big turn off. Your woman may be less in the mood to make
love with you when there is an unresolved issue.
On the other hand, when you create an agreement and find some level
of resolution about the issue, you're both most likely going to be
more open to sex.
Creating agreements that are clear, fair and follow-able are a great
way to move closer to not only a resolution about this difficult
issue, but also to most closer to one another.
Propose clear and specific agreements.
Come to a conversation about this topic with your woman with a clear
idea of what you really want. Too often, things can become muddy or
distracted when either or both people are triggered and already upset.
You could suggest to your partner that you two create an agreement
and then start things off with a proposal that addresses your
priorities and core desire. Be open-- and let her know that you are
open-- to modifications to this proposal.
Stephen, for example, sits down with his wife and proposes that they
give his business another 9 months to grow. He suggests that at the
end of the 9 months, they sit down together and assess whether this
is something that is feasible to continue.
Be aware if you lay out your suggested agreement as more of an
ultimatum or demand. This is NOT what we're going for. Demanding that your partner do things "your way" is very different from an
There might be a time when you feel so strongly about your position
that you are willing to literally leave if things do not change the
way you want them to. One example of this may be if your woman is
having an affair and you are ready to end the relationship if she
doesn't stop the cheating.
An agreement, on the other hand, is collaborative, flexible and a
way to re-connect with your partner.
Incorporate her ideas too.
After you've proposed the agreement that you had in mind, now it's
your woman's turn to contribute. Remind yourself that giving her the
space to fully consider what you've suggested and then really
listening to what she wants is NOT going to undermine your priorities
and what you want.
Don't interrupt her and don't reject her contributions to the
agreement as she states them.
Take the time to feel into yourself.
What are the changes, additions or deletions to your proposal that
you are most willing to accept? What exactly don't you like about
her specific ideas that you feel resistant to?
Ideally, creating an agreement is a process that is done over the
course of a few (more or less) conversations. Give yourselves the
time to really understand what each wants and also the time to be
clear about why you are open to some things and closed to others.
Set up an agreement that you BOTH will actually follow and feel good
When your ideas and your woman's ideas overlap-- or come close to it-- make that part of your agreement. It can provide positive momentum
when you notice and appreciate these places of alignment-- even if
they seem small or less significant.
Build on that momentum and come up with some kind of agreement that
you both can reasonably follow and feel okay about too.
The long-term success of an agreement is in its being created in an
environment of honesty and openness. When you do your best to keep
it honest, open and collaborative, you're more likely to feel closer
to your woman in the process.
Click here to find out how to
"light up" your woman and improve communication, trust and
connection with advice in Otto
Collins' free report: "10 Biggest Relationship and
Passion-Killing Mistakes Men Make and What to Do About Them."