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Affairs & Infidelity

Relationship Advice When You Suspect Infidelity
By Susie and Otto Collins

In the day to day busy-ness of life, it can be difficult to remember to take your vitamins and where you left your car keys, let alone keeping a close connection with the one you love. Suspicion that your partner is having an affair can come up suddenly when you least expect it!

Noticing your relationship signals can mean the difference between a fully alive, passionate connection and one filled with mistrust, suspicion and disconnection.

We recently took at trip in a rental car that had satellite radio. How fun to be able to choose from the oodles of stations that offer music, comedy skits, weather and traffic reports and even Oprah audio! All we had to do was tune in and choose what we wanted to listen to.

In a relationship you also get to choose the "channel" you want to live.  By tuning in to yourself and your partner you can become more aware of disconnection and more aware openness, when you are fully embracing the love you share--bypassing suspicion. It starts with recognizing how you are feeling within yourself and learning more from your partner about what's going on within him or her. 

 Recognize disconnecting signals

As much as we'd like to offer you a concrete list of signs that something is bothering your mate which means your relationship is in trouble and possible involving an affair, we're just not able or willing to do that. It all starts with you. You know best how you are feeling and what is true for you about your relationship.  In fact, sometimes we get so caught up in the stories we tell ourselves about how our mate is feeling, we conveniently ignore our own emotions.

Dan's partner Kate was out of town for several days at a conference for work.  She returns home late in the evening talking excitedly about how much she learned and mentions a male colleague who she was able to talk "shop" with a few times.  That night Dan cannot sleep as scenarios involving Kate having an affair with this male colleague dominate his thoughts. Over breakfast Dan sees signs of infidelity in everything Kate says and does and he plans to confront her about it that evening.

If we were in Dan's shoes, we'd take a moment and stop trying to interpret Kate's signals and focus in our/his own.  As Dan tunes in to himself, he might realize that he has no proof (other than his own stories) that Kate had an affair. As he further slows down his mind, he might notice that he feels hurt that Kate was so excited about her experience she didn't take the time to tell him she missed him. After tuning in to himself, Dan chooses not to confront Kate about infidelity but, instead, share with her that he missed her and would like to re-connect.  He might ask how she is feeling and if she would also like to share special time together that weekend.

Getting curious about what's going on with your partner is a wonderful way to test your interpretation of your mate's signals.  Getting curious doesn't always mean posing questions to your partner, but sometimes it does. When you do ask your love a clarifying question, make sure you are not blaming or judging. You could share how you are feeling--as in Dan's case feeling insecure and wanting connection-- and ask your love to "tell me more" about what's true for him or her.  Dan doesn't even have to mention his infidelity fears to get to the place of connection he is wanting.

Notice and celebrate connecting signals

It's unfortunate but often accurate, that we seem to be bombarded with what's going wrong. Those news stations on satellite radio predominantly broadcast the wars, natural disasters and corruption erupting all over the world.  We can fall into the same habit when tuning in to our relationship.  Instead, we encourage you to allow yourself to notice and celebrate what's going right between you and your love.

Dan's insecure feelings and fears about infidelity (which he's always had, even before he started dating Kate), obscure the strong connection that is usually present for them both. The more that Dan can remember and notice the connecting moments going on, the easier it will be for him to question those stories he tells himself from time to time. Besides, doesn't it feel better to celebrate how much love you and your partner share?  Remember to tune in to yourself, get curious about your mate and celebrate the connections!

For more information about how to communicate to heal disconnection and mistrust, visit



Relationship coaches Susie and Otto Collins, authors
of Should You Stay or Should You Go? Stop Talking on Eggshells and No More Jealousy are experts at helping people get more of the love they really want.  Learn the 5 keys to a closer, more loving relationship, click below for your free 5-part mini-course:

Susie and Otto Collins
P.O. Box 14544
Columbus, Ohio 43214
(614) 459-8121

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