Can a Second
Affair Be Prevented?
By Susie and Otto Collins
Emily is determined to get her marriage back on track. After her
husband Jimmy had an affair, she has really worked to learn to trust
him again. He's helped out a lot by making his life transparent and
open to her.
But, deep inside, Emily worries that there's nothing she can do to
truly save her marriage. She wonders if it is even possible to
prevent him from having a second affair.
It doesn't matter if you are married to your partner or dating. If
you had an agreement to be monogamous with one another and he or she
cheated and broke that agreement, you are probably grappling with
many of the same fears as Emily.
"I've taken him back, but what I can't survive another betrayal,"
you might think to yourself.
"I want to give our relationship another chance, but how can I
really know if she will cheat again?" may run through your mind.
While we can't offer you a 100% guarantee that your partner will NOT
have a second (or subsequent) affair, we also can't guarantee that
he or she WILL have another affair.
We simply cannot predict what's going to happen in the future...and
even you and your partner cannot know with absolute certainty
This makes trusting in your mate and your relationship again a
Make the Stay or Go decision...
This is also why it is really important that you allow yourself to
freely make the decision about whether or not you are willing to
take the risk.
We encourage you to base your decision most of all on how you feel.
Is there still love alive within you for your partner? How do you
feel when you think about the prospect of spending another year, 10
years or even more with this person?
If you'd like help making this important decision, you can sign up
here for our
mini-course that can assist you as you decide
whether you should stay or go.
If you choose to stay in your relationship, remember that you have
made this choice. While it might change at some point, for right
now, you are in this relationship.
You probably want to do your part to improve it and rebuilt trust.
Even if you decide to leave your relationship, keep reading this
article. These suggestions can be beneficial to you as you heal and
move on with your life.
Learn from what happened...
It is vital that you open up to the lessons of what happened in the
past. This is one of the most powerful things to help prevent a
But this is also dangerous territory.
When you look at the past-- especially the infidelity-- it could be
tempting to only look at your partner's affair. We can understand
why his or her affair might seem like the BIG problem, or even the
only problem, that came between you.
From our many years as relationship coaches, we've found that a
couple almost always is very disconnected and far apart long before
any cheating happens.
It is almost NEVER the case that the affair is the only problem.
We urge you to go back and take a look at the habits and dynamics in
your relationship that probably pre-dated the infidelity.
What was communication like between you? How much quality time did
you spend together? How did you tend to deal with conflict when it
arose? What were each of your habits when you felt angry or
Your answers to questions like these can help you hone in on the
trouble zones in your relationship that probably played some role in
the affair happening.
The great news is this: If you can identify those relationship
tendencies that took you and your partner far apart from one
another, you can make changes and begin to move closer together
Try to focus more on the habit that could be changed-- and what
might help change it-- instead of on which of you is to blame for
Take responsibility for your share in a dynamic, but place the bulk
of your attention on what you might do differently in the future in
this regard that will support the new habit that you'd prefer.
As you learn from the past, keep returning to the present moment.
Appreciate it when your partner demonstrates that he or she can be
trusted. Acknowledge it when the two of you resolve tension or a
conflict in a healthier way.
Celebrate when you feel close and connected-- even if it's just for
a short period of time. Build on those moments.
Relationship coaches Susie and Otto
of Should You Stay or Should You Go? and No More Jealousy are experts at helping people get more of the
love they really want.
Learn how to rebuild trust in your marriage or love relationship
after an affair, click here for your